umbilical cord

Function:

noun

Date:

1753

1 a: a cord arising from the navel that connects the fetus with the placenta and through which respiratory gases, nutrients, and wastes pass b: yolk stalk2: a tethering or supply line (as for an astronaut outside a spacecraft or a diver underwater)3: a necessary, supportive, or nurturing link or connection

"How DARE He!" actually it was something worse, a series of sentences fueled with hate and contempt for the he and me.

Meanwhile Guillermo, the wise teddy bear that he is, leaned closer and said "Maria, if you were dating someone, you wouldn't care about anything he has ever said- past,present or future." 

But the rage I had wrapped around me distorted my senses so I could only hear "date someone and you'll feel superior". My wound was about leveling, feeling inferior or superior not about feeling better.

It took me years to excavate to find the gem of his wisdom.

Several years after a rather ugly break-up I was still feeling the sting of words said in the relationship. The emotional umbilical cord was still attached. Although the charge was waning, it still had power. The stinging power I fed it. I was the judge, jury, prosecutor, and defendant. On trial using my hindsight to shock my heart in to submission with  NEVER AGAIN will I...  The list was endless but it was screaming one word: love. Never again will I love. This was the agreement, the conditioning to which I was torturing myself . I was threatening my heart. Stripping it of  its sole purpose, to love. 

With this awareness, guidance and time, I've been able to relieve the judge and dismiss the whole trial. Now I clearly see the hands that have twisted, squeezed my loving heart were, are mine. When I was finally able to slowly release my heart and welcome it back into my body, I was told of it's gift. The heart purpose is not just to love but to love unconditionally. 

Now that has been a hell of a  journey to accept. As it sinks into my awareness I'm reminded of the clouds that have been covering the sun in the city the past few weeks. This plague of clouds causing the rain and the blocking of vitamin D and even has been attributed to the "rain rage" ( the NYTimes). Although this condensed vapor blocks the sun's rays, there is no doubt. The Sun is still there shining just as brightly as if there wasn't a barrier. The Sun, so bright that any cracks in the clouds and its light will shine right through. 

And the gem from Guillermo's wisdom; I believe what he was really trying to tell me, that if I were happy, realizing the wonderful things that fill my life then there would be no room or power for the negative.

So even though today it might be cloudy, I feel the sun inside me radiating with unconditional love just waiting for the clouds to yield at anytime, even if only for moment.